As a published author, a writer, a blogger and a coach, I often get asked if I get writer's block. Never. So many thoughts and words are always gushing out.
In fact, I have the opposite problem: writing diarrhea. Too many thoughts, too many words, hands can't type fast enough, it's a big mess, good luck future editor!
- I have a love of words... High school, weekend Chinese school, and university beat the love of words out of me. I didn't read or write a single word between April 30, 2005 (the day I wrote my last university exam) and May 6, 2011 (the day I bought my home by the beach). A six year hiatus, f*ck you school system!
- I'm a geek... I literally walked around school with a thesaurus in my heads. Oh, the mean girls were mean. But I didn't care. I heard one of them is working at McDonald's now. I bet she now wishes she'd walked around with a thesaurus!
- I'm an introvert extraordinaire... My inner world is far better than my outer world, it's filled with richness, awe, joy and wonder (as opposed to external world of scarcity, competition, meanness and self-centeredness). In here, books fly and words dance.
Losing her Voice
Most were raised in a culture where children aren't meant to be seen. I was raised in a culture where children aren't meant to be seen AND aren't meant to be heard should be seen and not heard.
In fact, I was rewarded for being quiet, for staying out of the way, for not being a bother... the more invisible the better. In fact, my little 3 year old thought it a good idea to not exist at all. That way, she'd make no sound, no mess, and not be a burden on her parents.
For the next 27 years, she'd remain as invisible as she could be.
I Have a Lot to Say
As I was cleaning out my hard drive (given that I live exquisitely freely out of a 14kg suitcase). I found an old journal entry dated October 25, 2012 with subject: I have a lot to say.
I have a lot to say, and today I’m going to say it all!!!
What do I want?
I want to be loved, unconditionally. I want to love, unconditionally.
I want to be enough. I’ve felt it once before.
So why does external validation, especially client testimonials, light me up like fireworks? And without it, I fade like a comet? Forget the why for a moment…
I need to validate myself. I want to validate myself. But how? Forget the how for a moment…
What would it feel like to validate myself?
It feels good, it feels calm, it feels peaceful. It feels grounded, less frantic, less searching, less yearning. Today, I claim my voice back. Today, I claim myself back. Yes, client testimonials are a terrific business tool. But only a tool. Today, I took all the external validation that I've kept on post-it notes and tossed them in the trash!!!
Today, I choose to emerge from needing external validation into validating myself.
What does that even look like?
Maybe I combine that into my meditation. I set aside 1 hour of quiet each day. Folding self-validaiton into my meditation feels scary already... and I haven't even started. But I know I can do it. I know I can. Look inside. Call on my Sprite (the summer saulting joyful one), call on my Light of Love (the grand goddess of holiness). Listen to them. Hear them.
What are they saying?
“Ella, you ARE enough. You’ve done enough. And you’ll always keep being enough, and doing enough. Come here, right now, to the present. Feel your success flowing through you. Feel the outpour of love that the universe is pouring over you. Feel it right here, right now. Worrying about tomorrow only robs you of today’s peace. Soak up your life's abundance! Soak it all up. Remind yourself of your light, of your playfulness, of your zest for live. And be light, be playful and be zest for live.”
Okay, now what?
So I’ve given myself permission to love myself. Permission granted. Now what? What does it look like to love myself?
I means to nourish my body, my terrestrial vehicle. It means to take breaks, no matter how much I love my work. It means to soak up every moment of gratitude. It means to recognize my saboteurs, greet them and learn from them, instead of pushing them away. It means to breathe deeeeeply. It means to hold myself ever so resourceful, creative, and whole. I means to stand firm in the truth that I am loved.
What does unconditional love look like?
Uplifting each other. You must have that strength of character and transcendence of spirit to match mine, so that together, we uplift each other. You bring your 100% and my 100% to create a 200% vortex of miracles, magic, ease, flow and abundance. I'm tired of being with boys who are only at 50%. Hmph.
Alignment with my values of freedom, genuineness, love, wholeness and growth. Far too many boys say they values these things, but they don't. They have no idea who they are.
I want to feel safe, embraced, seen, and heard...
What am I willing to give?
My whole self, uncensored, as-is, with an open-heart and an open-mind, 100% present and willing to grow.
What’s important about a life partner?
It’s the deepest form of intimacy, of vulnerability, of romance, of learning, of growth, of connection. I've never experienced that, ever. I want to experience that. I want to live it. I want to feel it. I want to be it.
I want to be proud of him. I want to be proud of me when I'm with him. What does it say when the boy I'm dating is in the same room as my parents and I don't want to introduce him? I was ashamed of him. Shame on me for that shame.
I wrote that? I have no recollection. God bless Google Drive and the written word.
A great reminder to choose our life partners wisely. Have you ever been in a long-term relationship with a boy who couldn't keep up? Instead of fueling your appetite for life, they doused it? Instead of sharing your thirst for adventure, he squelched it?
Memory lane is powerful...